Stepping Into JC's World
Oh boy, when I say, I have been a right mess this week?
I feel like someone has turned on the tap of my emotions where I have no control. It is like everything is setting off the water works. I am this ticking bomb that is waiting to explode every minute.
I do not know how to hold it in.
I feel like I am losing my mind.
I feel like I am heading to great things but then this ticking bomb is set off now and again, trying to destroy every good thing that I have built.
How can I come so far to be yet this waterfall of a mess?
How can someone so strong be yet so weak?
When did I become that girl that was offended by everything?
When did I care about what people think of me?
When did I start to conform to the rules and regulations of humanity?
I thought I was different?
I thought that I knew better?
I thought I was meant to be the difference in our world?
When did I give up my birth right so cheaply?
How dare I be this weak in the face of defeat?
How dare I roll over in the face of confrontation?
How dare I speak defeat instead of life?
How dare I believe the report of anyone else than my creator?
I feel like I am losing my pack of cards that I have held so tightly?
When did I get here?
How did I get here?
This is not acceptable!
This is not the life I dreamt of!
This is not the end my road!
So when defeat comes knocking, I arise!
When bitterness comes knocking, I arise!
When pain comes knocking, I arise!
When struggles come knocking, I arise!
When debts come knocking, I arise!
When rejection, comes knocking, I arise!
I am what I am says I am!
My life is not over until he says it is!
So throw me your worst!
Mock me; I dare you?
Abuse me; I dare you?
Oppress me; I dare you?
And in the face of it all, I will arise!
No one is going to stop me!
I will achieve all things!
I am born for greatness!
Just Hold On A Little White Longer
If I let myself think I would feel. I don't want to feel this way. I do not want to think this way. I can feel the memories I suppressed come to the surface. I cannot think. I cannot dream. I cannot sleep. The concept of me and you is a story that will eradicate the concept of infinity. You were my all in all. You were the reason I fought. You were the reason I sang. You were the reason I kept going. You were the reason I kept writing. At the mention of your name, I thought I was unstoppable. My heart skipped a beat when I was bestowed by your presence. You were my muse. You were my joy. Thinking of you is almost unbearable. The memories keep flooding in. I can barely see through the fog. I feel like I am in this constant wave of pain. Sleeping has become a distant memory. I fear sleep, because I know it would only lead to a door to you. The more I run the harder it is to find my way back to you. Humanity says we can ride into the sunset. Nations say we are free and liberated to be ourselves. But my heart says you have gone on this road for too long and if you continue then only your doom awaits. My body, my mind and soul are on a constant battlefield. I feel like I am on the edge of my humanity. I am sitting on the N1 bus at 2am, because I am terrified to go home and turn off the lights without you. Living a life without you seems unbearable but most of all unbeatable. I look in my archives and see a dysfunctional pattern that must be broken. I have left more coffins than seeds. I have broken more homes than for sale signs. I have broken more hearts than you can ever phantom. There gets to a point where you know that enough is enough. The cycle of destruction must come to an end. You have to starve yourself of the things that are not good for you. No matter how painful it may seem. It may seem like you are in this perpetual tunnel of darkness, but trust me there is light at the end of that road. No pain will last for ever. You cannot continue to cover up the wounds with temperamental plasters that would fall off. There is life in despite of your pains. There is hope in the midst of the heartbreaks. Letting go is never easy, but I can guarantee you, that it will be worth it. Just hold on a little longer with me.
Have you had one of those weeks whereby the news just keeps coming?
One left turn to another?
From one wrong move to another?
Have you had one of those days, where you are in dia need for a reset button?
Have you had one of those days where everything just goes from bad to worse?
Is it just me?
I know it cannot just be me in this predicament?
Why is transparency such a hard thing for mankind these days?
Why are we afraid to speak?
Why are we afraid to move?
Why are we afraid to just be?
You and me baby; we were one! I was in sync with you then all of a sudden I lost my balance. I was the Einstein! I was the creator of all things innovative. I choreographed our dance routine. I wrote our plays. I knew our script by heart. I took off my clothing and made sure you were home. You and I were in sync. Our DNA was the equation to mankind’s curiosity. I thought after all this I did not deserve such brutality and chaos but I was wrong. Nothing can shield you from life’s problems. At every street corner there lies another but I am seeing the beauty in my struggles. I am seeing hope in isolation and rejection. I am seeing love in my puddle of tears.
The more you push me, the more I will fight for you. Life has tried to break me these couple of days, but what life has no idea about, is that I will still stand. I stand when no one will stand with me. I will stand in the midst of the crowd. I stand in the face of closed doors. I stand when I am left on road corners with no way of getting home. I will still stand up for what I believe in; and in despite of my struggles. Even though right now life seems like it is burying me;
I will rise.
I will rise in the face of debt.
I will rise in the face of heartbreak.
I will rise when I have no one to talk to.
I will rise when I feel ugly.
I will rise in the face of disabilities.
I will rise in the face of discrimination.
I will stand for hope.
I will stand for life.
I will stand for love.
This season of life is teaching me that nothing lasts forever. The struggles we face are not permanent. These pains have an expiry date. I am more than this. Life can keep on testing me. People can continue to walk out on me, but I will keep moving. I do not know where I am going, but I know that I have come this far and there is no turning back. Despite how hot the weather may be, I will keep going. I refuse to be what the world says I would be. I am more than this! I am not just potential! I am a cause! I am a movement! In my mess a legacy will be birthed forth!
Don’t you just want to prove all those who said you are worthless, wrong? Don’t you want to formulate law and order?
The time to take that stand is now!
No more are just a container for potential but an explosion for purpose!
Where you start is not where you end up!
Today we will do more in our lives!
Today we decide to dream big!
Today we grab ambition and run the race of victor!
Today we compete against no one but the better version of ourselves that God said we could be!
No need to steal other’s ideas; today we create the impossible!
Do you know what I learnt?
David became king after he faced his giant (goliath). Therefore just know that it is only after you face your issue today that you can achieve your greatness. So be thankful for the issues, as it would only make you stronger and empowered to be the leader you were always meant to be.
So today when I am faced with hardships, I smile, because I know that this time will pass.
You are not alone.
Make sure you do not carry the cares of world by yourself.
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