4. May, 2013

Book Extract - Chapter 8 'In Her Words'

So right,
Yet so wrong,
It taste so good,
It feels so right,
The sweet spot,
The tender touch,
Ferocious sexy words,
Hot steamy breath,
Sweaty sticky bossoms,
Soft tender thighs,
Curvaceous slender lips,
An image so divine,
A being so perfect,
Beauty a rare gift,
Created in her image,
A lover,
A friend,
A comforter,
How can loving you be so wrong?
A soulmate,
My better half,
You taste so good,
You seem so right,
But we can never be!
It's an abomination!
But most of all a Diabolical Mistake!

Why is it, that it is so hard to find your place in life? Why is it so hard to find a calling or somewhere that you belong? This is not the typical cliché story where boy meets girl. Neither is it a story of feeling like an outcast or depressed. I just want to tell my story. Love it or hate it.

The 3’o clock bell rings; another long day at college. The same routine, day in day out same classes; same faces. Life is always so predictable. Maths at 9am, Literature at 1, Business at 1 and Theology at 3; I don’t even know why am I at college! What is education even going to do for my life? It’s just another excuse for the government to control and manipulate us to do what they want. After all many individuals have made it in life without any higher education means. That means I too can be someone great with a successful future. If people like that can make it, then so can I. We are all the same no one has two brains! After all I hate everything to do with the educational system! I just don’t quite fit anywhere. I have tried to crack a smile or start a conversation, but I just can’t seem to physically bring out my words without stuttering. My nerves seem to get the best of me all the time. My mum always tells me that the nerves are just the state of mind; you can do anything you want to, if you just believe in your self. Trust me I have tried the whole confidence classes and circle time sessions but I guess being sociable is not for everyone. I don’t need friends to be happy; of what value are they to my life? After all I have this little routine I have going with myself, I don’t need anyone interfering with my schedule. After college I get the bus 96 to Plumstead then get the 180 or 177 to University of Greenwich Library. I love going to the library; reading is my passion. Every book tells a story and with every word unleashes an emotion. Books, Stories and Theories are my best friends. They are all that I need and dream of. They understand me in ways that the human compression may not comprehend. After I finish reading a book, I go down to the fish and chip shop to get myself a meal then get a bus home and start my whole routine again. I love being on my own in my own little world where I can be who I want to be and I can make up my own little friends.

In my world there is Lauren, Shanique, Renea, Tammie, MsJamie and Imz. In my world, my friends have my back and I can tell them anything. They love me for me and we share everything. I can talk to them whenever I want and they would always be there for me when I call. My shrink tells me that I need to stop projecting this make believe characters in my head and explore the world for what it really is. I need to stop hiding form society and show them who I really am. The question is how do I do it? How do I show people the real me? People in society always look down on me maybe its because of my radical dresses or long colourful nails or maybe my spider web eyelashes or the rolls on my stomach lol? No one looks twice at me without actually getting to know me for who I really am. I roam the streets of London trying to find those girls I created in my mind; maybe they actually exist somewhere! They cannot be a fragment of my imagination!; I am not crazy nor am I delusional.

Sometimes being lonely can get cold and frustrating. At times I wish I had that one person I can tell everything and that person that would get me. Do not get me wrong I love my own company and in my world I am miss popular. I am the in thing! Everyone wants to be me. However sometimes in the ‘real’ world, I want people to notice me and care that I exist. Why can’t I be the girl that you cross the road for or the guy that everyone wants to be with? Who decides on who gets to beautiful and who gets to be a troll? Why is size and looks such a big deal in society? Why are people pressured into being someone or something that they are not? Why can’t people leave them to just get on with their own lives? I am fed up of the segregation and discrimination. I am tired of the laws and the manipulation of society! I would rather just crawl under my precious stone and sleep till the end of time. Sometimes, I wish me and my soul mate could run till the ends of the earth and just be happy. No one dictating our lives! No more obeying orders and regulations; just being happy and not being affected by anybody’s opinions or judgements. Aren’t you tired of the struggling? Aren’t you tired of the toiling and tribulations?

For as long as I can remember, I have been alone in this world to carry my own burdens and misery. It was like it was yesterday, when he came into my life. TJ and I! I thought I would go to the moon and back for him. I was 14 at the time when I started dating him. TJ was a bad boy, rough on the edges but with a big heart. I actually thought he was the one, my earth and morning star. The one who would mend my fragile heart? I did not believe that there was such a thing called love! Love was for the soppy movies, for those desperate delusional dysfunctional distorted individuals who believed that there was such a thing as a happy ending. With TJ on my arm, I though I could be anyone and do anything. The stars were the limit; I could go to war and back. He made me feel special and like I was the only girl in the world. I could tell him anything and everything. My life was finally starting! I could actually see him as my future husband; of course I was not going to take his surname instead he would take mine. As I always say who dictates on whose surname to take or better still combine names. I was not going to be a boring ‘fat’ housewife that stays home and cleans whilst ‘mandem’ goes to work. I wanted to be this powerful career woman with large organisations with my successful husband by my side helping me and motivating me to fulfil my dreams and ambitions. TJ was everything I dreamt of. TJ was exactly what I asked that ‘great supreme deity’ of. Desires, Emotions, Lustful thoughts, Sexual desires, and Immoral thoughts consumed my heart. I wanted him to be in me; and him in me. I longed for his brutal touch and sweet words. Nothing in life, did I want more than for him to have his way with me. After all the anticipation, tension and hunger, the deed had been done. The master had his way with me and left me broken. Something that happened in less than 5 minutes changed my life, as I know it. Nothing in life had prepared me for this moment. An unexpected visitor had been delivered to my door. A blessing and a curse; a miracle and an untimely treasure. The morning sickness started; the symptoms ran its course. I found out I was pregnant. I was just another statistic in society who would be an abomination to her generation. Everything I did not want to become was what I was becoming.
"Come to terms with what you have lost so that you can move forward"
How do I begin to tell the story! Where can I start? How do I find the words to say that I killed my baby! My flesh and blood. The lungs of my specimen. The reason I thought that I would live. My beginning and end. I was just a child myself. Even though I never got to meet her; I loved her. I loved her with my everything. My precious jewel, my saving hope, the sugar in my tea, the butter on my bread, the apple of my eye and I loved her with my whole entity. I didn't' know it was possible to love someone so much like how I cherished her. I wanted to dwell with her for every second of everyday. I was encompassed with her presence. I was intimately intertwined with her soul. I couldn't wait to hold my very own baby girl. This was it! My chance to start my life all over again. My clean slate. My time to change. It was going to be me and her against the world. My mother parental skills had already kicked. I longed to protect her from the dark world we are inhabited in. I longed for her tender touch. I count the days, minutes and seconds to her arrival. To some it was a curse or abomination but to me it was a blessing and answers to prayers. My breakthrough was about to be unleashed and I couldn't wait. Many in society frowned upon my appearance but I just couldn't care less. I laughed away at their scornful looks and diabolical comments because I thought my angel was worth every pain and mockery.

Condemner!
Convictions,
Judgemental Glares,
Malicious Words,
Deceiving Tongues,
Bitter Sweet,
Demons Meek,
Souls Embellished,
Desires Aggrandised,
Dreams Diminished,
Futures Ravished,
Children Ecstatic,
Women Depressed,
Women Oppressed,
Men Untouched,
The World Throttles,
The Girl Weeps;
'You can take my Speech!
'You can mock my Dignity!
'But you would never take my Superbia!

"The Price of greatness is responsibility"- Winston Churchill
"If your going through hell just keep going" - Winston Churchill

Everything in my life that I have been through can never compare to this. All the torments and abuse in my entity cannot be compared to the loss of my angel! It just happened! I don’t even know how she came into my life. She was unexpected and a beautiful mistake that I would make over and over again. At this stage in my life, I was only 14 in year 10. I wasn’t exactly an innocent or naive girl – let’s say ‘I have been around’. To be honest, I had no idea who the father could be. This was the period in my life where I sought to take revenge on men! I would sleep around with men in their 40’s to boys in their teens. Anyone in the last 7 guys could be the father. I was surprised that I had not encountered AIDs or any STDs. I was about 2 months late when I told my friend Sarah about it. Sarah suggested I buy a pregnancy test to be absolutely sure. These times kids only get given the odd 2 pounds a day so there was no way I could afford a fancy test. However, I decided to go down to pound land to purchase a test. I rushed back home and hid in the toilet until the coast was clear. I couldn't rip the packaging quick enough. My hands began to tremble as fear saturated my being. Under pressure I just couldn't use the toilet - eventually I took the test. The anticipation and frustration of waiting for the test to prove me right about my suspicions was mortifying. I just couldn't bare the suspicion. My whole life depended on one silly test. This was it! My family was going to murder me. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't breathe! The test slowly began to show two lines! I was……

This couldn't be. I can't be another statistic in society! I was angry and sick! All my life I just seemed to get from rain to fire! Nothing in my life was going as planned. Everything always had to go against me! What was I going to do? Who do I turn to? Immediately I called my cousin and told her what had happened. I guess till today no one actually believes that I was pregnant. It was my own secret! My dirty affliction! I told people but no one could help me. I even told my friends at school - Bolaji, Rochelle, Naomi, Cindy, Sarah and co. No one could understand. I was tripling by the minute. I couldn't stop the hunger and the thirst. I longed to eat everything and anything. The hunger was conflicting my mind and my soul. I hated her and loved her. She gave me sleepless nights and giddy mornings. She caused me grief and joy. I hated the thought of her but reverenced her coming. I was confused and distorted. My friends tried to be supportive but there is a limit to how much they could do. I could tell that there was gossip and rumours spreading about me in school but i just didn't care. This was not going to define who I was. I refused to be judged by mistakes. This was the beginning of all beginnings. I had someone to love me for me and for who I really was and someone to love me unconditionally. My angel was going to be my best friend and companion. Slowly and gradually I began to love the thought of having my own little Emerald'. Things were starting to look up in my life. Moreover in church, I could hear various rumours spreading about me but this was not going to stop me. Church was supposed to be my saving hope; where I could find peace and comfort but instead I received judgemental remarks. People in society are distorting the vision God had for the church. Church is supposed to be a place that welcomes you no matter what you are or what you have done but instead they toss you aside as if you are a vermin unfit to be seen b the naked eye. I am tired of people at church looking down on me because of what is on my appearance instead of what is within. Welcome all and show them agape love. Nobody is perfect! Those that claim to be holy of holy are even the ones who do the most incriminating activities. Stop judging and start loving. That is why I thank God for my Siobhan and in blessings may he bless her and her generation'. I also confided in Siobhan about what was going on and she was more help than anyone could every offer. Her words and comfort was more encompassing than any warmth I had experienced. In calamities and mayhem, you realise who your true friends are.
I remember one day, I broke down in my English class and I began to weep. At this stage of my pregnancy, my mind was all one the place and my emotions controlled my being. I couldn't think straight and my body began to dominate my entity. The changes in my system were mind blowing and at the same time such a beautiful experience. The teacher rushed down to me and took me outside to talk, as she was very concerned. She was indeed my favourite teacher. My interest to write came from her amazing teaching. She implanted the passion to write within me by continually boasting my confidence and showing me support. Out of nowhere the words 'I AM PREGNANT' came out of my mouth. She seemed shocked and disappointed in me. I wish at that point, that I could take back my words but it was too late. Everything was out of control at this point. The head teacher and various teachers had to sit down with me and decide what was going to happen. This was unacceptable in a private girls school! There was nothing I could do or say to stop what was about to happen. The looks and stares increased. The voices increased. The cries became louder. I was a shame and embarrassment to the human creation. I claimed to be a child of God but I fornicated and cheated. The depression kicked in. The stress elevated. The sleepless nights multiplied. At this point I was about 5 months gone. I remember the day. That day! The day my everything was ripped from my womb. The thick blood that gushed down my thighs. The agonising pain that pierced my stomach over and over again. The mortifying headache that weakened my mind. The opening of my bowels and deadly poison that stole my strength. Words cannot describe my lose and hurt.

Fear Dread Apprehension,
Extreme Intensity,
Extreme Emotions,
Extreme convictions,
Crimson Bloodshed,
Violent Vehement Ferocious,
Wild Red Boisterous,
Furious Cutthroat Savage,
Inclined Strom,
Rage,
Tempest,
Vitality,
Catalyst,
Lies,
Provocateurs,
Why the hell did this happen to me?
Release me to freedom!!

I was completely broken. Nothing could help the pain. Noting could stop the tears. I was completely mortified but most of all furious. Why God!!! Why did this have to happen to me!!! We never think that the teenage girl might not safely deliver. We never think that a miscarriage would occur. No one ever stops to pray for the lost souls in our society! Instead we condemn and judge! Are you God? You have no right to look down on others based on their mistakes instead you can help them. All they need is love and hope for a better tomorrow. Instead of laughing or mocking that pregnant girl on the street - go and try and talk to them and pray that God enables you to be used as a tool in their life to make a difference. 'Nobody defines our worth until we let them'

Lost Depressed,
Empty Confused,
Lonely Devastation,
Sadness Sorrow,
Mourning,
Lustful Desires,
Stains Scars,
Bruises Abuses,
Hunger Thirst,
Freedom
Destinies Dreams,
Hopes Fates,
Delusions
The thing that eats away your soul,
The hole in your heart,
The holy spirit encompasses all,
Open your heart to him today'

At a point it got so bad that I nearly ran mad. I slept with any boy or man with no protection so that I could get pregnant again. I completely lost the plot. I was saturated with such emptiness! My mind slowly began to create false thoughts and I slowly began to live in my imagination. I couldn't tell my reality from my imagination! I just couldn't process what had happen. I longed to be pregnant again! I was so angry with everyone! I hated my self the more for being so careless! No one could understand! My mum had so much suspicions but the time she finally had the guts to ask me if I was pregnant, I had already lost the child. It was to late! I was broken within. I refused to be happy. From that day I vowed to never have happiness as I had stole the life of someone but not just anyone my very own flesh and blood. I didn't deserve to be happy. I deserved to dwell in hell for eternity. Till today I have no idea why I went through all this mayhem and pain but I know that I fed up of living my life in the dark. I am tired of living in sorrow and misery. I have lost something of great value to me but God has blessed me with so much more. I am fed up of inflicting myself. I am tired of being angry at the world. You are looking at the now instead of the tomorrow. Your crying for the dead instead of living. Your going backwards instead of going forward. The level you are at now is not where you are supposed to be. Enough of being stagnant. It is time to move to your predestined faith. No more struggles! No more pain! Get angry with your situation! Get violent with your predicament! No more tears! Do you even know who you are? Do you know who your father is? You are in this world but not of this world. You are a royal priesthood! A holy nation! A warrior for God! A daughter of God! A role model in Christ! Do not be easily influenced! You are different! You are a chosen people! Your destiny is far too great to be distorted! You are Gods!

The warm radiant light awakens me,
The sweet singing morning birds,
The music elevates my world,
A new day,
A new beginning,
A fresh start,
A hunger for change,
An eradicated past,
A forgotten yesterday,
The scorching heat,
The bitter words,
The tragic acts,
A hunger for the unknown,
I need to move forward,
Confusion,
Delusion,
Fantasy,
Pretentious Acts,
False words,
Identity misplacement,
Blindness,
Deceitful appearances!
Cold hearts,
Be who you are!
Enough of pleasing society!
You are not called to fit in so that you can seek him,
Arise to your calling!
Just,
Fly!

Jasmine Cannon-Ikurusi