7. Mar, 2016

Collateral Damage

It has become a ritual. Better still it has become a pattern. My competence to sleep has only deteriorated more and more as the days go by.

Ask me why am I up at past 4am writing? Unable to sleep yet again! The memories of my past are eradicating my ability to sleep. The fairies have come out to play but I do not know how to lock them away! I cannot think straight anymore! The virus is only spreading throughout my body and is paralyzing my ability to integrate with society. Each time I try to move, it only drags me 10 times back. I thought I was actually doing better! I thought I was back on track!

I have never felt like this! I have been through bullying, addictions, a miscarriage, being raped and molested by men and women, abused and brutally battered, body deformities issues, self infliction, depression, homeless, obesity, kleptomania, sleep terrors, an identity crisis, learning difficulties, mental insanity but yet nothing in life prepared me for this! How does life keep taking me to places I never imagined I could be.

I feel hopeless! Useless' Like I have no control! I feel powerless! Lost at the mention of your name! I do not know how I got in this deep! Unable to run from my past! Some days are better than others. I realized that I am not coping so well! My strategy has a massive flaw! I realized, that I do not talk about how I am feeling nor do I deal with all the emotions rather I do what we all do so well; BURY IT!

It is always easier to pretend like the pain is not there! It is always easier to hide the wound and leave it to rot or better still, get infected! Sometimes dealing with the pain is more painful than the pain itself! Confronting things is always the harder part! The truth is a brutal ideology that humanity will rather remain oblivious to!

The truth is that I felt incomplete! Alone! Bitter! Abandoned! Empty! I felt suffocated! I could see no way out of the madness! The sea was rising so high that I was unable to see the shore!

The insanity only grew stronger! The voices became louder! The nightmares only grew more ferocious! The sleep walking was only getting worse! I began to give in to the insanity known as madness! Speaking to myself became a familiar validity.

How I longed for just a moment..
How I craved for silence!
Time to sit down and let it all out!
I decided to take on the bull by its head and just deal.
Nothing in your life will ever change until you make it change!
Your scars do not define you!
No pain lasts forever"

MzJC RTWV Aka Jasmine N Cannon-Ikurusi