15. Mar, 2016

Deal or Be Dealt With!

I have been struggling this past few months to feel. Just feel anything. I realized that if I cannot feel, I cannot write. Writing comes from my ability to feel and tether to my environment. The words that linger on my finger tips have been captivated by the aroma of perceptions unconsciousness.

What happened today should have been the breaking point! Let's start from the beginning. I left university this morning after I handed in all my deadlines. I had to come to London as I have an important meeting then I plan to return back to my apartment in MK tomorrow. As I was approaching my mothers house, I decided to stop at Woolwich to get my nails done. Only for me to see...

You know that moment when you realize that you cannot run from your past! You must deal with the obstacles and trials head on. The worst part, is not being prepared and not having the drafted apology! In that moment, you are in utter shock! Nothing in life can prepare you for the embarrassment! In that moment, you wail for the tides of life to take you but nothing happens! You are faced head on with the reality!

What do you do?
Run or Hide?

Every fiber of my being wanted to speak up! I could not bring myself to utter a word! The questions that ran through my head, was why did I do it? Why did I have to hurt them? They did not deserve my brutality and abuses! When did I go from care taker to soul taker? When did I go from home maker to King slayer? How I so easily secured my life to an eternal fatality!

For the many individuals I have hurt; I say sorry!
To the ones I abused; I say sorry!
For the malicious lies; I say sorry!
For taking your love for granted; I say sorry!
For mocking you; I say sorry!
I cannot begin to explain why I did what I did! Sometimes in life, the reality can become a blurred line! We sometimes do not want to face our reality; so we choose to live the pretentious life as it seems more fulfilling than the harsh palpability.

I have ran for so long! I have collected multiple flight points because I am expert at what I do! I have ran from my pain! I have ran from my home! I have ran from my name! I have ran from myself! I couldn't face reality! I was so use to playing the cover up game! I loved the thrills of the manipulation! I hurt countless beings all for what gain?

I lost myself in the race! I couldn't find where I was going nor who I was supposed to be! I loved the new title bestowed to me! "Story teller" I was good! Some would say the greatest! I could take your mind where it did not want to go! In my hands I controlled life and death! I was unbeatable! Alexander the Great should have been my name! I covered one lie with another! I was in a web of lies! No way out! No where to run! I had to face the war I had created!

Transparency or Obscurity?

That's life! Whether we want to admit it or not, many of us struggle also with this! Running from reality has been our normal route! The time has come to put an end to it all! The history cultivated by our generations must come to a bitter end! We cannot bury our heads in the sand! We have to stand up and face the music! No more running!
Just me and you!

Deal with it or be dealt!