7. Jun, 2017

SJW Week 15

Just Hold On A Little White Longer

If I let myself think I would feel. I don't want to feel this way. I do not want to think this way. I can feel the memories I suppressed come to the surface. I cannot think. I cannot dream. I cannot sleep. The concept of me and you is a story that will eradicate the concept of infinity. You were my all in all. You were the reason I fought. You were the reason I sang. You were the reason I kept going. You were the reason I kept writing. At the mention of your name, I thought I was unstoppable. My heart skipped a beat when I was bestowed by your presence. You were my muse. You were my joy. Thinking of you is almost unbearable. The memories keep flooding in. I can barely see through the fog. I feel like I am in this constant wave of pain. Sleeping has become a distant memory. I fear sleep, because I know it would only lead to a door to you. The more I run the harder it is to find my way back to you. Humanity says we can ride into the sunset. Nations say we are free and liberated to be ourselves. But my heart says you have gone on this road for too long and if you continue then only your doom awaits. My body, my mind and soul are on a constant battlefield. I feel like I am on the edge of my humanity. I am sitting on the N1 bus at 2am, because I am terrified to go home and turn off the lights without you. Living a life without you seems unbearable but most of all unbeatable. I look in my archives and see a dysfunctional pattern that must be broken. I have left more coffins than seeds. I have broken more homes than for sale signs. I have broken more hearts than you can ever phantom. There gets to a point where you know that enough is enough. The cycle of destruction must come to an end. You have to starve yourself of the things that are not good for you. No matter how painful it may seem. It may seem like you are in this perpetual tunnel of darkness, but trust me there is light at the end of that road. No pain will last for ever. You cannot continue to cover up the wounds with temperamental plasters that would fall off. There is life in despite of your pains. There is hope in the midst of the heartbreaks. Letting go is never easy, but I can guarantee you, that it will be worth it. Just hold on a little longer with me.